Rummaging through the past

When I was little, at every dawn I felt this shift in the atmosphere as if my room had transported into a different dimension, I felt this raw energy rushing in making me all jittery. It was the time of the day I looked forward to the most but it felt so fleeting and wasteful. Therefore to make the most out of it, every day after coming home from school, I would clean my room, burn some incense, and paint. Although I was a crappy painter, I loved to focus my brush into the canvas, it felt as if I am tapping into a different vibration, a distant memory, something I still, to this day, have a hard time understanding.  It would calm my mind and I enjoyed it. However, with this everyday ritual, I was attempting to experience something within me, which I never fully succeeded in.

Thinking back, now I realize that it was my first attempt to meditate through my paintbrush. Eventually, I did replace the painting with meditation, well more of an attempt to meditate. When I gave time to myself, all the noises in my head would disappear and the things that really matter surfaced, everything became a little more clear. I  would feel this immense gratitude for being alive, and being able to experience all these wonderful things. Even though I was swamped in my many flaws and imperfections, those experiences would more than makeup for them.

Reminiscing those childhood days, I was surrounded by such wonders, it felt like little adventures. The most wonderous were books, these big fat foreign books on art, meditation, alchemy, beautiful ancient Tibetan songs, and poems, on the healing spirit of plants... These strange books just lying around, gifted by strangers, attended by no one. Strangely I was just drawn to these books as if it were meant for me. It opened this whole new world, talked about things that I, surprisingly, resonated with. It was as if I was exploring my own hidden interests, my own real self. And even though my tiny brains could understand very little from them, I would continue to read and be awed by them. To this day I am so grateful for all the kind and generous strangers who brought those gems into my little world. These treasures not only gave me a rich childhood but also this jolt to discover my passion and my self.